I still cry every day
“Thank you for reading my story”
When I was 21 I moved out of CDA, and moved to Seattle. I couldn't wait for my life to start. I had an instance boyfriend and we decided to move in together. I had always warned all of my friends to use condoms but I wasn't practicing what I preach. Two months after moving to Seattle I found out I was pregnant. I just turned 21. I was in no way ready to raise a child. My boyfriend and I decided to have an abortion.
I had the abortion done very nearby my house. Limited racket from pro lifers trying to change your mind from going there.
My boyfriend was with me in the room and the abortion started. The pressure, pulling, sucking, and me crying I couldn't take it. SO much shame and disappointment that I carried with me.
I wasn't the same woman. I was depressed, I didn't want to live, I felt ashamed, I felt reckless. I told my family what had happened to me and they were all supportive.
When I got the first abortion, I immediately went on to the pill so this wouldn't happen again. Three weeks later I found out, just one month after my first abortion, that I was indeed pregnant again. The only person that knew about it was my boyfriend. Mind you he was on work release, and had to stay at the jail. He would sneak by and see me, which is how this whole pregnancy started.
Three weeks later I had to through this all over again. My partner was there with me, but I've never felt like such a piece of trash after this. I was ashamed beyond relief. I was supposed to stay with my mom tonight but I couldn't deal with her. I couldn't tell my family this time.
So I stuffed it. My partner begged me to go see somebody but I was in such a deep depression that I really couldn't move. I always wondered if I was being punished by God for not having those healthy babies.
After those two experiences I went on to depo, which was the worst birth control of my life. I ballooned up about 50 pounds.
I went through the motions of life and shared some with my family along the way. Again, I've always wondered if God would allow my children again. But, the answer was no. No kids for me ever again. I don't know how to reconcile this tragedy and pain. I still cry everyday thinking about how old my babies would be right now. I'd have a 25 and 26 year old. One day I hope to meet my babies. Because otherwise, all I do is cry.
Thank you for reading my story.
