My voice - my choice.
What exactly are men scared of?

Women scare them. Sometimes small children scare them. They get scared, start yelling, throwing things and hitting things. (Not that I haven’t seen women do that but usually their aim isn’t as accurate).

Maybe their fear lies in the fact that a woman birthed them and their first interaction with the world was with a their mother - a woman.

A mother holds this rare power to form the trajectory for another human being. A mother’s lap is literally the seat of civilization.

We learn our first communications on our mother’s lap. We are nourished on our mother’s lap. We watch others from the safety of our mother’s lap.

But, some babies may not have been well received into the mother’s life. Maybe the mother was too young, had too many other children or was working two jobs to put food on the table. Or maybe the mother had a history of abuse rendering her maternal instincts dormant.

Maybe the mother had an addiction, was depressed, unsupported, flat broke, begging in the streets. Rich isn’t always safe either. Maybe mom was more often absent than being present leaving her offspring with a surly or over strict nurse maid.

So many reasons a baby boy might feel unloved and abandoned by the very person who gave him life. Their Goddess, their everything. Nothing feels emptier, and more anger inducing than being ignored by your supreme deity.

Here is the deal. Children are a ton of work. Babies are exhausting. And that is if everything goes well.

The sanity of the world balances on the sanity of women, on mother’s sanity.
On mother’s love.

Every single human on this planet wants to be unconditionally loved by their mother. Bonus points if both parents love them unconditionally.

There comes a time in almost every woman’s life (that I personally know anyway) who have been faced with the age old question, am I pregnant? Is this something I can do? How is my partner going to react? Am I ready for this life changing experience? Can I afford a child? (Sometimes the biggest fear in our modern life) Will my family support me emotionally or financially?

It can be one of the scariest moments in a woman’s life.

Oftentimes, a woman knows rather quickly whether or not a child is appropriate for her to have at the time of discovery. It is a private moment meant only for her to mull over. To sink into the moment. The enormity of it, the responsibility of it, of a life yet unlived. It is truly overwhelming.

How can another person possibly make this choice for that woman? A man has no business thinking he will ever know what a woman is thinking and why. It is simply not his area of expertise. And frankly none of his business at that moment.

There are times when the answer is ‘no, I cannot keep this pregnancy’. This is not taken lightly - ever.

It is taken with much thought, tears, and consideration for all parties involved.
The woman may be overwhelmed with her current situation. And a baby will never make THAT better. The hardships for both mother and child may outweigh any positives.

My mother made that choice - not to have yet another baby.

However, abortion was not legal in 1963. It would take ten more years of unnecessary trauma before it was legalized.People only whispered about it - hinted about possible solutions.
It was punishable by law for god's sake.

Birth control pills became legal in the US in 1965 in the right to privacy act between married couples. (two years too late for my mother)
A woman couldn’t even have a credit card in her own name until 1974 - WTF

Whatever my mother’s reasons were are none of our business.
I can think of a few, but then again I am sensitive to her impossible situation.
She likely tortured herself emotionally (and for sure physically) before she made the decision she did.

It turned out not to be a very good decision. She took the ‘problem’ into her own hands. The job was botched.

She bled to death in three, maybe four days. She was thirty-three years old.

She left behind four children who would forever be marginalized because of her absence. She had not prepared us to live in a world of angry, scared men.

And from woman- the pity, the swirling whispers above our heads, and shaming sideways glances stained the rest of our childhoods although we knew no details of her death.

For my ‘Irish twin’ brother and I (we were the youngest) the world went from color to black and white.

None of the men in my family recovered from her early demise.

Our grandmother never recovered from losing her only child, our mother. At the time of my mother’s death, I was one month into my ninth year.

No matter what your background is nor economic status, a motherless child is a motherless child.

As the song goes, Eric Clapton sang so soulfully, “Nobody likes you when you are down and out.”

Once groomed and tailored, my brother and I lived in the shadows waiting and watching after she died.

Waiting for the grief to pass. Waiting for the screaming and yelling to stop. Waiting for sleep to come but never sure if it was safe to actually sleep. Something terrible might happen. And if we stayed vigilant, maybe we could prevent another move or death, or find dinner. We were kids, we couldn’t advocate for ourselves. We couldn’t even reach the kitchen counter. We were like butterflies pinned to a cork backing, watching the world go by, waiting to be freed from under the stagnant glass dome of doom and despair.

Look, here is the deal, women have been making the decision to keep a baby inside them or not since the beginning of time. It does not matter if it is legal or not. Accepted or not by their family and/or friends.

In fact, when it comes right down to it a woman does not care what you think of her when faced with this daunting situation. It is not ‘your’ business. It is her business.

To deny women safe medical care under these circumstances is to tell my family that you would just as soon see us die of heartbreak then get your cult-like righteousness out of the way. Please tell me, ‘what is your payoff for sending a woman to their death? What is your payoff for stunting the family left behind?’

How is denying women of women's natural rights helping civilization?

It would take me years, decades actually to understand why I sometimes could sink into bottomless pits of despair. Not that I was alone in those feelings. I am sure they are universal. What I am talking about is the utter inadequacy to communicate oneself. The inadequacy to participate - in anything.

JFK was shot to death on November 22nd 1963 two months after our mother died. He was 46 years old. The whole world was in mourning. I woke up each morning still in the shit hole I was hoping to be rid of the previous evening.

April 1968 Martin Luther King was shot to death at 39. He supported equal rights not only for Blacks, and Browns, but women's rights as well.

Broken-heartedness so thick you could cut it with a knife.

I only contemplated suicide once, as a teenager. Which is a dangerous time in the human growth continuum as the prefrontal cortex is not fully developed yet. Finally, we are responsible enough to have the keys to the car. But our ability to plan ahead, decision - making, and resisting impulses are still developing. Some of my family members were later than others...

After our alcoholic father told me “taking one’s own life was a chicken shit way out of ‘the life’ you were dealt,(and one was not allowed into heaven),” I thought, game on sucker. Challenge accepted, let’s see how much grief and shame a person can withstand. Whether I was the one giving it or taking it didn’t matter to me at that time in my life.

My understanding of heaven was that all suffering would end.

Later, as our father lay dying, (the first time) he said; “there is nothing but love in the light”. Even HIS tortured soul was redeemed in heavenly love.

That was a nice discovery.

It helps to know the people you love most (and everyone else) gets to be enveloped in love upon their departure from our gravity-laden earth.

The problem I have with it is that some lives after getting on this plane of existence are struck down before they have had the chance to find their own voice. And that is the true sin - once you make the birthed journey to this planet, to have never lived fully, or completely or at least get some damn respect.

Women are people. Women are sisters, mothers, wives, teachers, scientists, caretakers, seed savers and bread makers. Man’s world could not function without women. Men would not be here without women.

My question is; why are men so scared of women that they need to dominate over them and control them to death?

I have two children. One boy and one girl. Not to be too sexist, but from first breath they were like night and day in everything: observations, action, speech, and awareness of others. If I was anything like my daughter (and I have to imagine I was a wee bit) I was very observant of what had just occurred in our lives and could have added some useful tidbits in how to get along, set goals and strive to be our higher selves or at the very least take care of our daily needs, but I (and my brother) were ignored and told; we were the last of anyone's problems and had nothing to add... And in fact, we were to go sit in the corner, don’t make a sound.

Chaos and anarchy ensued thereafter. Our older brother took it upon himself to be the enforcer. He expressed his grief with the ball of his fist. In the first years AM (after mom) we were never sure if we would be greeted with giggles or punches, later it was only punches. While I got the wind knocked out of me more than once by a well purposed hit to my solar plexus, my Irish twin was rendered unconscious on a near daily basis. Our older brother could have been the author of Lord of the Flies. It is a miracle any of us survived ‘each other’ through childhood, puberty and young adulthood. (Stories for another time)

Were any of us children missing the unknown brother or sister we never met? To be crystal clear, No, we were missing only our mother.

My point is - imagine who we would be now had our mother had proper and equal medical care that (1) would have performed a safe operation and (2) had the ability to stop the bleeding if that were to occur. And (3) integrate her back into her family life with counseling.

Reflecting back on my story now and watching the current loss of women’s rights, especially in the State of Idaho is like being sucked backwards through a wormhole to September 1963.

My despair of inequality is all women’s despair of inequality.

Women earned the right to vote in 1920. We need to exercise our rights to vote in favor of our lives and protect the lives around us- this is my voice, and the right for women to choose - this is my choice.

Thank you