C.A.’s Story
Sex and reproduction weren’t talked about it my household. I grew up as a military child in a Catholic conservative home. Abstinence was the only implied discussion around sex, and puberty caused so many feelings of guilt and confusion.
It was 2006 when I found myself pregnant at 15 years old. No one in my family knew, and only a handful of friends and trusted adults were made aware. I was told passively at an OBGYN appointment - I was the age where I didn’t need parent consent for birth control and was there for a follow up to start medication, worrying instead that I was already pregnant because the at-home test indicated such. The front desk lady said, “your test results came back positive, so we need to schedule an appointment for prenatal care instead.” It’s the only time I can recall feeling like time had stopped. As my body started shutting down and protecting me from threat, I vividly remembered being told by the boy who impregnated me, “you should get an abortion. I don’t want to have a kid.” I remembered coming across a school assignment on ‘pro-choice’ written by my older sister for her government class. My response to the lady - “um, how long do I have to decide? I might not need prenatal care.” The look on her face confirmed my need to keep this to myself. I remember it was Valentine’s Day.
I started acting quickly. I knew someone from school who had an abortion and she pointed me in a helpful direction to start raising funds through some nonprofits. I called so many and was denied by so many. Being 15 and without parental consent in Idaho, many couldn’t help out. But one out-of-state organization did stand alongside me and raised over half the amount needed, sent directly to the clinic, while I saved my lunch money for the rest.
I had a surgical abortion at 10 weeks pregnant. During prep, I asked to see the ultrasound and was denied. I remember being upset about that for so long, but today I’m grateful for the nurse who told me ‘no’. I remember being guided to a recovery room where they had journals for women to share their story. My story simply read, “I’m 15 and I think I might have made the biggest mistake of my life.” I left the clinic by way of a friend, only to be met outside with a picketer whose sign read “abortion kills babies”. The depression started immediately.
The truth is, I never wanted kids of my own. Nearly 20 years later, I’m proudly living life and existing as an aunt, step-mother, wife, and advocate. I struggled with depression until I left my childhood home, and further work was required to fully heal. It would be many years until members of my family found out - even then, the judgment was raw and real. But I was ok; I was familiar with judgment and I was empowered. The nonprofit case worker who refused to endorse my self-judgment is what drove me to a career in social work. I made the best decision for myself on that day and I don’t regret a thing.
